So, I've decided I need to find some positivity in this. I'm being proactive. I have changed my diet and am following the guidelines I have found online.
I'm undecided on whether to post about it here or start a new blog about my GD journey and diet after baby...or do neither, since that's likely what will happen.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
WTF is wrong with me!?
I've been avoiding my feelings for a while. I just keep refusing to believe that I'm depressed and resentful towards my unborn child...towards my life in general.
Nothing has gone how I have planned this year. I've not lost weight, I've gained weight. I've lost a friend and not gained any.
I'm lonely, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I miss my ex-best friend. As neurotic and as unreasonable as she's been, I miss her voice. I miss talking to her every day, I miss knowing that I have someone I can say anything to and she'd be there for support and comfort.
I constantly question the part I took in the demise of our friendship. Should I have just shut my mouth...again. As I replay the messages between her and I in my head, I still think I didn't really do anything wrong...I told her how I felt...she called me selfish, unsupportive, jealous and childish.
I also don't think I dealt with my miscarriage properly. It's the only thing I can think of that would make me feel the way I have been towards this child I'm carrying. This child I am resenting. This child that has me diagnosed with gestational diabetes at Christmas, this child I feel like I won't ever love.
I'm angry, I'm sad, I want this all to be over...I hate my life, I hate how I feel and I hate that I have no one I can talk to about it. I don't want a counselor. I want a friend.
Why can't I make a good friend? :(
Maybe I am selfish, unsupportive, jealous and childish and I don't deserve to have a true friend by my side.
Nothing has gone how I have planned this year. I've not lost weight, I've gained weight. I've lost a friend and not gained any.
I'm lonely, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I miss my ex-best friend. As neurotic and as unreasonable as she's been, I miss her voice. I miss talking to her every day, I miss knowing that I have someone I can say anything to and she'd be there for support and comfort.
I constantly question the part I took in the demise of our friendship. Should I have just shut my mouth...again. As I replay the messages between her and I in my head, I still think I didn't really do anything wrong...I told her how I felt...she called me selfish, unsupportive, jealous and childish.
I also don't think I dealt with my miscarriage properly. It's the only thing I can think of that would make me feel the way I have been towards this child I'm carrying. This child I am resenting. This child that has me diagnosed with gestational diabetes at Christmas, this child I feel like I won't ever love.
I'm angry, I'm sad, I want this all to be over...I hate my life, I hate how I feel and I hate that I have no one I can talk to about it. I don't want a counselor. I want a friend.
Why can't I make a good friend? :(
Maybe I am selfish, unsupportive, jealous and childish and I don't deserve to have a true friend by my side.
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