I've been avoiding my feelings for a while. I just keep refusing to believe that I'm depressed and resentful towards my unborn child...towards my life in general.
Nothing has gone how I have planned this year. I've not lost weight, I've gained weight. I've lost a friend and not gained any.
I'm lonely, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I miss my ex-best friend. As neurotic and as unreasonable as she's been, I miss her voice. I miss talking to her every day, I miss knowing that I have someone I can say anything to and she'd be there for support and comfort.
I constantly question the part I took in the demise of our friendship. Should I have just shut my mouth...again. As I replay the messages between her and I in my head, I still think I didn't really do anything wrong...I told her how I felt...she called me selfish, unsupportive, jealous and childish.
I also don't think I dealt with my miscarriage properly. It's the only thing I can think of that would make me feel the way I have been towards this child I'm carrying. This child I am resenting. This child that has me diagnosed with gestational diabetes at Christmas, this child I feel like I won't ever love.
I'm angry, I'm sad, I want this all to be over...I hate my life, I hate how I feel and I hate that I have no one I can talk to about it. I don't want a counselor. I want a friend.
Why can't I make a good friend? :(
Maybe I am selfish, unsupportive, jealous and childish and I don't deserve to have a true friend by my side.
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