I haven't posted in here in a long time, but recent events have made me remember why I started this blog. For an outlet, to share my life stories and just get what's in my head...out of my head.
Last week, a friend of mine found out her precious baby growing inside of her, had passed. She was 3 days to her due date.
She was induced and delivered her beautiful sleeping angel, Gia.
She shared a picture, I wish I could share with you here. The raw emotion in the image is overwhelming, devastating and beautiful. A saddened mother, with her sleeping baby in her arms. :(
The most incredible part of this story is how strong she's been. How thoughtful she's been to others problems. Her soul is so beautiful. I can only hope that if I ever have tragedy, I can find the beauty in life and continue to care for others so wholeheartedly.
My heart aches for her and her precious angel.
Hug your babies. Life is too short.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Changing Myself
I'm fat. There. I said it.
I'm on the cusp of "morbidly obese".
I'm 35.
I'm 5'3".
I'm 214lbs.
I'm disgusting.
I'm saggy.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm ready to change.
http://takingbackmylife35.blogspot.ca/
I'm on the cusp of "morbidly obese".
I'm 35.
I'm 5'3".
I'm 214lbs.
I'm disgusting.
I'm saggy.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm ready to change.
http://takingbackmylife35.blogspot.ca/
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Ch-ch-ch-changes
After having my daughter, and nearly losing my daughter and my my own life, I realized that it's never too late.
It's never too late to say "I love you", "I need you", "I'm sorry".
So, I took that epiphany and emailed my former best friend and said this:
Hi ******, I have no idea how often you check this email address. I was going to Facebook you, but you've removed that option.
I want to apologize. Not because I think either one of us was right or either one of us was wrong, but because after everything I've recently been through, I've come to realize that it is never too late to tell someone you're sorry and it's never too late to tell them that you love them.
******, I'm sorry that my feelings and my words hurt you, upset you and offended you. It was never my purpose to do that. I've never wanted to hurt you. Ever. I've only wanted to be your friend, to be your support, your cheerleader. I'm sorry that my actions made you feel that you had no choice but to say good bye. I have thought of you often and have hoped things have gone well for you. I hope you are happy and I wish for you nothing but good things.
Take care of yourself and your little family. If you've had your baby, congratulations, if you haven't, best of luck and I hope your delivery goes smoothly.
Again, my sincerest apologies for causing this rift between us. I would never intentionally do or say something that would cause you to want to end our friendship.
Love, Tanya
Her reply was, unexpected, kind, but unapologetic. Which is fine, I'm ok with accepting the responsibility if that's what it takes. We exchanged emails here and there for about 3 weeks, off and on.
I also contacted my sister-in-law. We've had our differences and, I'm not entirely sure why, but the girl hates me. I simply inquired about her home business and ordering. She was all :)'s and lol's in the messages between us, yet when I saw her in April, she was quite the opposite. She wasn't all >:\'s and fuck you's, but all she said to me was "awww" when she saw the baby. NOTHING else. She didn't even want to hold her own niece. Sad for her. It's her loss completely. Her kids know me. I'm auntie Tanya. My kid knows her as her cousins mom...and even then, I don't think Bell would even recognize her to see her unless one of her cousins was in tow and, I don't think Cheese Cracker will ever know her.
My former friend and I are no longer "former friends", which makes me very happy. I missed her. She won't ever tel me her feelings on any of it, but that's fine.
My sil and I are still on the outs, which doesn't really bother me at all. I made an effort. She didn't. All is well on my end. :)
So, I took that epiphany and emailed my former best friend and said this:
Hi ******, I have no idea how often you check this email address. I was going to Facebook you, but you've removed that option.
I want to apologize. Not because I think either one of us was right or either one of us was wrong, but because after everything I've recently been through, I've come to realize that it is never too late to tell someone you're sorry and it's never too late to tell them that you love them.
******, I'm sorry that my feelings and my words hurt you, upset you and offended you. It was never my purpose to do that. I've never wanted to hurt you. Ever. I've only wanted to be your friend, to be your support, your cheerleader. I'm sorry that my actions made you feel that you had no choice but to say good bye. I have thought of you often and have hoped things have gone well for you. I hope you are happy and I wish for you nothing but good things.
Take care of yourself and your little family. If you've had your baby, congratulations, if you haven't, best of luck and I hope your delivery goes smoothly.
Again, my sincerest apologies for causing this rift between us. I would never intentionally do or say something that would cause you to want to end our friendship.
Love, Tanya
Her reply was, unexpected, kind, but unapologetic. Which is fine, I'm ok with accepting the responsibility if that's what it takes. We exchanged emails here and there for about 3 weeks, off and on.
I also contacted my sister-in-law. We've had our differences and, I'm not entirely sure why, but the girl hates me. I simply inquired about her home business and ordering. She was all :)'s and lol's in the messages between us, yet when I saw her in April, she was quite the opposite. She wasn't all >:\'s and fuck you's, but all she said to me was "awww" when she saw the baby. NOTHING else. She didn't even want to hold her own niece. Sad for her. It's her loss completely. Her kids know me. I'm auntie Tanya. My kid knows her as her cousins mom...and even then, I don't think Bell would even recognize her to see her unless one of her cousins was in tow and, I don't think Cheese Cracker will ever know her.
My former friend and I are no longer "former friends", which makes me very happy. I missed her. She won't ever tel me her feelings on any of it, but that's fine.
My sil and I are still on the outs, which doesn't really bother me at all. I made an effort. She didn't. All is well on my end. :)
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Cheese Cracker's Story
On Friday, Feb. 17(38+2), I went into the hospital for my induction due to the gd. My bishop score was 0. I wasn't effaced, engaged, cervix was posterior, firm and baby was -3 stationed. (Not ready!)
I received my first of cervadil insert and was told to call in the morning to see if I could come back in for another insert, or progressed, the gel. I called in the morning and was told the were 'too busy" and they would call me with a new time. SUNDAY morning, I went back in, still no change, so more cervadil insertion. Back Monday for more. NO progress. Tuesday, my ob checked me, still no progress, couldn't even reach my cervix.
My sugars had been 100% controlled since the inductions began, bp was normal, dr didn't think baby was as big as first thought and every nst looked great, so it was recommended that I let my body take a break and return on the 27th.
During this entire time, my in laws had come in from Alberta and were anxiously awaiting Cheese Crackers arrival! They headed home to Alberta on Sunday, Feb, 26th, without meeting Cheese Cracker.
Went in Monday, the 27th, 1-2cms dilated, so I received the cervadil gel and was told to come back at 4:30 to see how progressed I was and to break my water and start oxytocin. Got there at 4:30 and was sent home because the maternity ward had too many urgent deliveries and not enough nurses. Back home I went... **This was all ok with me as Feb. 27th is the anniversary of my best friends death. It would have be too bitter sweet to have my lil one in my arms while heavy hearted.
Back to the hospital the morning of February 28th at 7:30. FINALLY admitted...2 weeks later than they said they'd let me go. I was put in a labour room and had my water broken at 8:05 (weirdest feeling ever). Oxyotcin was started minutes later and progression started slowly.
By 10:45 I was at 3-4, 11:20 I was at 5.My nurse went for her lunch break at 11:30, contractions started getting really strong and hard to handle, so I asked for an epi. Epi came minutes later and immediately I felt the need to push. at 11:55, I was checked and told I was fully dilated. I was set up and ready to go, epi not quite working yet. I started pushing at 12:30-ish.
Within 20 minutes, the monitors were going off, the doctor was shouting, the nurses were in and out and I had no idea what was going on.
Suddenly, the ob was being paged, the dr was yelling that there wasn't time and I was being told to breathe. I was flipped from one side, to the other side and the epidural was being shut off. A heart monitor was being attached to baby's head to get a heart beat because the fetal heart machine wasn't reading anything.
I was ripped off the nst machine, doppler was on and suddenly an oxygen mask being thrown on me and the dr was yelling at me to push harder. A suction was being pulled out and I was being told not to worry, relax, breathe and push. Suction was put in and all I could hear was the dr yelling "BP TANYA? BABY?" And then "TANYA PUSH!" I needed to rest and was told "no" and that "This baby needs out NOW!" I had one nurse rubbing my back telling to breathe breathe, and the other yelling push harder.
I could feel unnatural and excruciatingly painful pressure on my rectum. This was, apparently, from the dr pulling with every fiber of her being, on the suction on baby's head.
20 minutes of hardcore, little stopping pushing, she finally came out. One day before her due date.
The Mosh got to cut the cord (which he didn't get to do with Bell because she came out not breathing) and she was put under the heat lights and checked. Her blood sugar was great, no jaundice, and everything else looked good.
I could hear the dr asking for immediate test run on the umbilical cord. The ob finally comes in, and assess whatever needed to be assessed.
I had 3rd degree tears to both sides of my vagina and 2nd degree to my rectum. I was stitched up and finally got to hold my girl. Then the dr came in.
The machines weren't malfunctioning. Cheese Cracker's heart had stopped, at least 3 registered times, and my bp was plummeting. She was in fetal distress and I was going into shock. Also, the umbilical cord was located in the wrong spot. It's usual location is in the middle of the placenta, mine was on the edge of the placenta, almost a part of the sac. The placenta was beginning to thin in places, which was due to the gd.
The doctor was shaking and saying she can't remember the last time she came so close to losing both mom and child.
But, we're both good. She has no complications from the diabetes and my sugars have been good. I feel tired and like I have a new asshole, but I'm happy. :) Little Bell adores her new sister, but thinks we should have "stuck with Georgia" haha.
And, for someone so disconnected from this pregnancy, I am in awe and so in love. I can't believe she's here.
I received my first of cervadil insert and was told to call in the morning to see if I could come back in for another insert, or progressed, the gel. I called in the morning and was told the were 'too busy" and they would call me with a new time. SUNDAY morning, I went back in, still no change, so more cervadil insertion. Back Monday for more. NO progress. Tuesday, my ob checked me, still no progress, couldn't even reach my cervix.
My sugars had been 100% controlled since the inductions began, bp was normal, dr didn't think baby was as big as first thought and every nst looked great, so it was recommended that I let my body take a break and return on the 27th.
During this entire time, my in laws had come in from Alberta and were anxiously awaiting Cheese Crackers arrival! They headed home to Alberta on Sunday, Feb, 26th, without meeting Cheese Cracker.
Went in Monday, the 27th, 1-2cms dilated, so I received the cervadil gel and was told to come back at 4:30 to see how progressed I was and to break my water and start oxytocin. Got there at 4:30 and was sent home because the maternity ward had too many urgent deliveries and not enough nurses. Back home I went... **This was all ok with me as Feb. 27th is the anniversary of my best friends death. It would have be too bitter sweet to have my lil one in my arms while heavy hearted.
Back to the hospital the morning of February 28th at 7:30. FINALLY admitted...2 weeks later than they said they'd let me go. I was put in a labour room and had my water broken at 8:05 (weirdest feeling ever). Oxyotcin was started minutes later and progression started slowly.
By 10:45 I was at 3-4, 11:20 I was at 5.My nurse went for her lunch break at 11:30, contractions started getting really strong and hard to handle, so I asked for an epi. Epi came minutes later and immediately I felt the need to push. at 11:55, I was checked and told I was fully dilated. I was set up and ready to go, epi not quite working yet. I started pushing at 12:30-ish.
Within 20 minutes, the monitors were going off, the doctor was shouting, the nurses were in and out and I had no idea what was going on.
Suddenly, the ob was being paged, the dr was yelling that there wasn't time and I was being told to breathe. I was flipped from one side, to the other side and the epidural was being shut off. A heart monitor was being attached to baby's head to get a heart beat because the fetal heart machine wasn't reading anything.
I was ripped off the nst machine, doppler was on and suddenly an oxygen mask being thrown on me and the dr was yelling at me to push harder. A suction was being pulled out and I was being told not to worry, relax, breathe and push. Suction was put in and all I could hear was the dr yelling "BP TANYA? BABY?" And then "TANYA PUSH!" I needed to rest and was told "no" and that "This baby needs out NOW!" I had one nurse rubbing my back telling to breathe breathe, and the other yelling push harder.
I could feel unnatural and excruciatingly painful pressure on my rectum. This was, apparently, from the dr pulling with every fiber of her being, on the suction on baby's head.
20 minutes of hardcore, little stopping pushing, she finally came out. One day before her due date.
The Mosh got to cut the cord (which he didn't get to do with Bell because she came out not breathing) and she was put under the heat lights and checked. Her blood sugar was great, no jaundice, and everything else looked good.
I could hear the dr asking for immediate test run on the umbilical cord. The ob finally comes in, and assess whatever needed to be assessed.
I had 3rd degree tears to both sides of my vagina and 2nd degree to my rectum. I was stitched up and finally got to hold my girl. Then the dr came in.
The machines weren't malfunctioning. Cheese Cracker's heart had stopped, at least 3 registered times, and my bp was plummeting. She was in fetal distress and I was going into shock. Also, the umbilical cord was located in the wrong spot. It's usual location is in the middle of the placenta, mine was on the edge of the placenta, almost a part of the sac. The placenta was beginning to thin in places, which was due to the gd.
The doctor was shaking and saying she can't remember the last time she came so close to losing both mom and child.
But, we're both good. She has no complications from the diabetes and my sugars have been good. I feel tired and like I have a new asshole, but I'm happy. :) Little Bell adores her new sister, but thinks we should have "stuck with Georgia" haha.
And, for someone so disconnected from this pregnancy, I am in awe and so in love. I can't believe she's here.
Little Cheese Cracker
It's Been A While
Wow...it's been months since I've posted here. I kind of avoided my feelings during my pregnancy, which, in turn, means I avoided this blog.
So, let's recap the lat few months.
I got gestational diabetes. I had to go on insulin because I could not control it with diet and exercise. I was put on 4 doses a day. 2 quick releases and 2 slow releases.
I gained 34lbs. 3 weeks after the GD diet started, I lost 12lbs and when I gave birth, I had only gained back 2lbs.
Christmas came, Christmas went. New Years came, New Years went.
I was put on weekly nonstress tests and bimonthly diabetes appointments. For the months of January and February, I had 2-3 appointments weekly.
My birthday came, my birthday went.
My in laws came, my in laws went.
I was set to be induced on Friday, Feb. 17. That's another post in itself...
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
My Journey with Gestational Diabetes
So, I've decided I need to find some positivity in this. I'm being proactive. I have changed my diet and am following the guidelines I have found online.
I'm undecided on whether to post about it here or start a new blog about my GD journey and diet after baby...or do neither, since that's likely what will happen.
I'm undecided on whether to post about it here or start a new blog about my GD journey and diet after baby...or do neither, since that's likely what will happen.
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